


happy birthday you beautiful bitch

by shroomcritic



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Crack, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Like pure crack, and then 9pm me just went, good fuck what am i doing, i was just gonna make a nice birthday letter for you t, ive never written this shit before, love you big man, my favorite mortal enemy, nah wake up at 4am and just make an entire one shot, so here you go, this is a terrible birthday gift but oh fucking well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-25 04:07:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30083208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shroomcritic/pseuds/shroomcritic
Summary: Wilbur isn't a clingy person.That's more of Tommy's thing.But lately, they've all barely talked, and Discord calls have been sparse and short.He wonders why.
Relationships: Jschlatt & Wilbur Soot, Toby Smith | Tubbo & Wilbur Soot, Wilbur Soot & Phil Watson, Wilbur Soot & Technoblade, Wilbur Soot & Technoblade & TommyInnit & Phil Watson, Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit
Comments: 8
Kudos: 206





	happy birthday you beautiful bitch

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mushroomcow69](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mushroomcow69/gifts).



“wilbur.”

wilbur stops tuning his guitar, and looks up to see a certain someone’s discord icon light up in a faint green outline. 

“yes, tommy?” 

“what do you think about my username for the twitch account i’m making?”

“let’s see, tommy-” wilbur hums. “-what username are you talking about?”

he can already hear the teen’s frustrated sighs beginning to form. “well, wilbur,” tommy mocks, “i was looking for ideas for my user and then i was watching ratatouille the other night and i had the brilliant idea that-”

wilbur stops audibly breathing and this is the part where tommy realizes, he’s made a _grave_ mistake. 

“you were watching ratatouille?” the brunet man asks gleefully, his face stretching out in the most sadistic grin that tommy’s ever seen. he regrets ever turning on facecam at this point. 

“fuck,” tommy seethes, “you. mr. fantastic fox fucker.”

a very distinct sigh rings through the call. phil wishes he was anywhere but here at this point. 

the other tuts. “you’ve got it all wrong, tommy. i’m not fucking the fox, i’m simply mr. fantastic fox’s sugar daddy.” 

tommy leans his head back onto his chair and stares up into the skies, most probably praying for any god to help a poor kid out. “wilbur, you said with the most _conviction_ i’ve ever heard in my entire life, ‘i want to fuck the fox.’”

this is where wilbur’s gears start turning. “there’s a difference, i’m not fucking the fox!”

“you said you were fucking the fox!”

“no, i’m just manipulating the fox for money-” wilbur points out. 

“you were fuc-”

“and i’m fucking the fox!” 

“aha, see!” tommy gestures wildly. “try arguing now, bitchboy!”

“you’re reusing insults,” wilbur sing-songs. 

“i hate you. i hope your eardrums get absolutely shredded as i scream into my mic, fuck you.” the teenager finishes, looking pointedly into the camera as he moves his mouth closer to his mic. 

“the feeling’s mutual.” wilbur grins. tommy can already tell what he’s planning, and he doesn’t like it. 

“dad, dadza, dad, phil, cumza, mr. minecraft, help, help me, wilbur’s gonna start singing-” 

“look, i was gonna go easy on ya. not to hurt your feelings, but i’m only gonna get this one chance. something’s wrong-”

“what do you want me to do, tommy? no one stops wilbur when he starts rapping an eminem song, it’s the law,” phil laughs. oh, so _now’s_ when phil decides to step in. 

“-six minutes!”

“wilbur.”

said person stops singing, and looks at tommy with a grin. he hates this man sometimes. 

“should i keep going, or are you done?” wilbur teases. 

tommy takes in a sharp breath. “no im not done you dick i ought to-”

and then tommy’s phone rings. 

tommy stares at the cellular device with a look of sudden elation, and picks up the call to talk to whoever’s on the other side of the line. “excuse me, gentlemen!”

wilbur’s face turns into a slight frown, this has been happening for the last week. phone call after phone call from tommy’s side has turned their usual discord calls into sparse check-ins and chats that don’t even last an hour at this point. wilbur sometimes feels bad thinking this, but he worries. if tommy is this busy, then he doesn’t have to call them. wilbur and the others would’ve been fine. sort of. 

“dad.”

phil hums. “yes, son?”

“do you think tommy’s got something going on that he’s not telling us?”

“wilbur, i’m certain that whatever tommy’s got going on, if he’s got something going on,” phil looks up from whatever he was working on, “he can handle it.”

“i know, i mean, i trust the dude. but-”

“are you scared that tommy’s leaving us or something?” phil gently asks. 

wilbur pulls a face. “everyone has been so distant lately, phil. i don’t know. maybe it’s just me being me, but techno is almost never here-”

the other man laughs. “that’s just techno, isn’t it?”

“yeah, i suppose so,” wilbur chuckles. he picks at his nails. 

phil’s face turns into a more concerned expression. “buddy, no one’s leaving anyone. we’re all staying put. i know we’ve been more busy lately, but we’re still gonna call. we’re gonna plan our next meetup, the sleepy bois aren’t just going to dissipate.”

“we’ll always be here, mate.” phil softly beams. and it’s a grin filled with fatherly love, and wilbur thinks that there’s no other man that he would rather have as a secondary father figure. 

“thanks, dad.”

* * *

wilbur tries to keep phil’s advice in his head for the next few days. but it’s getting harder and harder to cling onto those promises.

_“techno! my man, wanna record something on the tenth?”_

_“the tenth?” the sounds of techno’s keyboard stops, and the man’s brows furrow. “nah, sorry. i’m busy that day. could we reschedule maybe?”_

really fucking hard. 

_“tubbo in a box, how are you doing! wanna chat for a bit, we haven’t talked in a while-”_

_“i’m really sorry wilbur i can’t exactly chat- holy shit that’s such a huge plane- now but we can call again later i just- oh my god that’s so fucking cool-”_

it’s alright though. he’s friends with content creators, they’re always going somewhere or doing something. sure, it’s never been to this _extent_ but he’s busy too. he has things to do. he doesn’t need to talk 24/7. it’s fine. 

_"schlatt, y'know i was thinking- we should-"_

_"i'm at the gun range right now, wilbur! this bad boy is shooting bullets so fast that- FUCK-"_

he stares at his phone screen that shows yet another declined call. _it’s fine._

the blaring red ‘do not disturb’ status on everyone’s discord profile hasn’t even run across his mind. _it’s fine._

and days pass, he hasn’t talked to anyone during this time. fine, he can be busy too, such as unlocking the door to his office and recording the intro for a new video he’s planning to post. it’s the 14th today, his birthday. 

_it’s fine_. 

he turns to go flick on the lights and start another workday. _it’s fin-_

“now hold on a second, loverboy, not so fast. we haven’t even said anything yet.”

wilbur freezes. 

“can we say it yet? please we’ve been here for hours-” “tubbo shut up the lights aren’t even on yet-”

“boys, can you just calm down for once-”

“phil, the candles are starting to melt on their own. is that supposed to happen? i really don’t think that’s supposed to happen-”

wilbur doesn’t turn around. he doesn’t do anything actually; his mind is going ten miles per second and he really hopes it’s true because-

“i can tell what you’re thinking, it’s true. don’t worry your pretty little head. we’re all here.” schlatt smiles. “happy birthday, wilbur.” 

the lights turn on. 

“uh- surprise?” tubbo says meekly. tommy is right next to him and looking at tubbo with the most incredulous look he can muster. “tubbo, for god’s sake you didn’t even do it righ- y’know what whatever.”

tommy turns to face wilbur with the sharpest, most ecstatic grin he’s ever seen the kid make. wilbur’s heart soars.

“surprise!” tommy roars. and the room erupts. 

he barrels straight into wilbur in all of his 6’3” glory and tackles him into a hug, and techno follows closely behind. wilbur thinks he can hear confetti poppers go off in the background. phil comes not long after that, and tubbo catapults himself onto the group in true tubbo fashion. 

it feels nice. tommy’s hair is getting in his face and it’s getting kind of hard to breathe, and tubbo is cackling into their ears and techno is sort of doing this sort of side-hug back-patting thing that makes the entire ordeal slightly uncomfortable to accomplish. phil is trying to act normal but wilbur can tell he’s slightly peeved that he’s shorter than half of these people. but it’s wonderful. almost.

“schlatt.”

“i’m not coming over there.”

“schlatt.”

“i hate you.”

and then one last man joins. 

and it finally feels like home. 

* * *

here’s how the night goes. 

they all finish their hug fest, and schlatt visibly dusts off his suit with a look of disdain and then trudges off to get the cake. they all sit at the makeshift table, and there’s six people and very cramped. the cake itself is practically deformed, and techno sheepishly admits that he isn’t the most agile in real life and dropped the cake a few times. the trick candles that tommy planned for the party don’t even work, and in turn the kid gets pissed and decides to blame wilbur for this misfortune. wilbur fires back and says tommy doesn’t know how to do a proper prank and phil has to step in before the two try to engage in a fistfight.

tubbo’s eating the wax toppings on the cake, he says it’s by accident but everyone knows better. 

phil himself gets caught in between the colorful streamers and the entire room has to help the poor man get untangled. it takes fifteen minutes and by the time he gets out, phil is weary. 

wilbur realizes after many excruciating, chaotic hours, that someone rented out hamilton and it’s sitting on his desk. he doesn’t have to guess who did this because he’s already making eye contact with with the perpetrator in all of his mutton-chop glory, and schlatt doesn’t say a single word. all they do is nod at each other, and wilbur goes to solemnly put the hit revolutionary musical on using the small tv that techno brought out with him. he doesn’t want to know how the self-proclaimed anarchist managed to smuggle an entire tv set in his suitcase past airport security.

they all cuddle up again near the tv, tommy splayed across everyone’s laps. phil and tubbo are fighting over whether or not the popcorn they make should be caramel or buttered. schlatt is making offhand comments about the historical inaccuracies of the musical, and techno comes in with his own observations here and there. wilbur does not stop moving the entire time, because for all that cake was worth, it was very sugary and now wilbur cannot stop physically vibrating. 

by the time ms. eliza hamilton sings the infamous finale line, everyone has passed out. wilbur is the only one still conscious enough, and goes to stand up.

“wilbur?”

he turns and sees tommy slowly peel his eyes open in bleary confusion.

“yes, tommy?” 

the teenager is already going back to sleep, his head groggily lowering onto phil’s lap again. 

“happy birthday, big man.”

**Author's Note:**

> T YOU BEAUTIFUL FUCKING CUTN I HOPE YOU HAVE AN AMAZING BIRTHDAY. I KNOW I COULDVE DONE MORE BUT I JUST DID NOT HAVE THE STRENGTH. LIKE DID I TELL YOU I HAD TO HAVE 4 ESPRESSO SHOTS AND TRANCE MUSIC ON WHILE WRITING THIS. 
> 
> YOU DESERVE THE FUCKING WORLD BTW, NEVER FORGET THAT. I DON'T DO THIS SHIT OFTEN SO THAT SAYS A LOT ABOUT HOW MUCH I CARE ABOUT YOU. PLUS, LITERALLY NO ANGST. NONE. DO YOU KNOW HOW RARE THAT IS FOR A WRITER LIKE ME. ALL I CAN DO IS CRYPTIC SYMBOLISM SO ME CRANKING OUT A FLUFFY CRACK ONE SHOT IS ALMOST UNHEARD OF. ALL FOR YOU. MWAH. 
> 
> anyways, if anyone else stumbles across this fic, hello! this was intended as a birthday gift for one of my dear friends but im glad to see you here too! also, please go check this chick and her works out (she made a much more angsty tommy and wilbur one shot and i still cry thinking about it to this day) [here](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mushroomcow69) and thank you to elleza archiveofourown for being such a consistent and pleasant beta, thanks mom! [check out her works here!](https://archiveofourown.org/users/downthedarkpath)


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